Suicide and Revelation

Standing at the table’s edge,
feels like the edge of a building.
Your key jammed in the lock;
got the message on your phone
too soon.
Door swings fast,
not fast enough;
taste of gun oil.

You stare at my confusion
it hurts more than
the tightening rope around my neck.
Muffled by the barrel
“I couldn't make up my Mind.”
Trying to coax me down,
“It’s all going to be okay. “


Been trying to cheer myself up.
Went to a circus a few weeks ago. Never
been before. Turns out I hate clowns.
They Terrify me
Like the day I found out
you were pregnant.
Their painted faces
bright blue teardrops,
when you found out we had lost her.

Been trying to these love handles.
Went to the movie store
Picked up exercise videos.
No matter how many
I watched, still fat
as my swollen wedding finger.
Look at me; the table can barely take
my weight.

Figured this week
a little fishing trip,
for a moment I remembered happy.
Thought I’d come home early and surprise
you. Surprise!
Both of you flopping
around in the bed,
mouths popping
open, like a couple of bass in my bucket.

Here I stand.
No changing my mind.
Haven’t guessed how this light bulb's
going to finally go out.
You laugh at me.
Tell me I'm ridiculous.
Tell me it killing myself
won’t make me feel any better.
I thought about it.
You’re right.
!!!!!
The gun goes off. I drop it to the floor.
Get off the table, and walk out the door.
Past your body laying there
on the cold
grieving
floor.